Gurnee, IL (Silicon Valley North) In what many are calling a “devastating technological failure,” Apple’s flagship noise-canceling earbuds, the AirPods Pro, have once again proven powerless against the one force no engineer can defeat: Janice, the relentlessly coughing woman in the next cubicle over. Local office worker Brad Henderson reported the shocking discovery Monday morning […]
Author: HC
HOLLYWOOD, CA — In a move shocking absolutely no one except the assassins who keep failing to kill him, Keanu Reeves has officially agreed to return for John Wick 5, marking the franchise’s 47th consecutive film where the plot is “John Wick was trying to mind his business, and someone made a catastrophic mistake.” Reeves, […]
Mountain View, CA — In a press conference held entirely via unindexed voice snippets and AI-generated emoji, Google today confirmed what digital marketers have long suspected: the Earth’s rotation, human circadian rhythms, and the rise and fall of civilizations are now dictated by Google’s “smaller, continuous core updates.” “We’re just trying to keep things fresh,” […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA — In a move analysts are calling “the entertainment industry’s version of drunk-texting your ex at 2 a.m. with a Venmo request,” Paramount on Monday launched a hostile takeover bid for Warner Bros. Discovery, offering a staggering $74.4 billion — $2.4 billion more than Netflix, or roughly the GDP of a medium-sized European […]
LOS GATOS, CA — In a bold move fueled by deep corporate insecurity and an ongoing war for the attention span of toddlers with iPads, Netflix has agreed to purchase the film and streaming businesses of Warner Bros Discovery for a staggering $72 billion. Industry analysts say the deal will “reshape Hollywood” and “ensure Netflix […]
In a shocking yet somehow completely predictable development, Crayola has announced a nationwide recall of its “CreateOn Crayola Pip-Cubes” — tiny, magnetized blocks that apparently gave thousands of parents the worst art project of their lives: emergency stomach surgery. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued the recall after discovering the cubes’ magnets could “become […]
(A PSA for website owners who prefer chaos, amnesia, and broken links) The Internet Archive just released a WordPress plugin that automatically preserves your content, fixes broken links, and prevents your website from melting into a 404 graveyard. Naturally, responsible developers and SEO nerds everywhere are excited. But what about the rest of us — […]
In a bold leap toward the future of personal responsibility, Tesla CEO and part-time intergalactic warlord Elon Musk announced that the newest version of Full Self-Driving (Supervised) now allows drivers to text while operating a two-ton electric missile “depending on context of surrounding traffic.” Experts say this is a groundbreaking safety feature, because nothing screams […]
In a bold move that experts are calling “the most ambitious intellectual property grab since Facebook tried to trademark the word ‘face,’” Automattic Inc.—the company behind WordPress.com—has officially informed Automatic.CSS that they must rebrand, because the word “automatic” is obviously theirs, and everyone else is just borrowing it. Sources say the cease-and-desist letter arrived with […]
In a stunning development that absolutely no one maintaining a WordPress site saw coming, hackers have once again discovered that the world’s most popular content management system — which powers a staggering 43% of all websites and 118% of every malware incident — might have a few vulnerabilities. According to a report from Google Threat […]
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