WASHINGTON — In a warm, “extremely productive” meeting at the White House on Tuesday, former President Donald Trump reportedly praised Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman for his “tremendous leadership, incredible hospitality, and absolutely unbeatable follow-through” regarding the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Trump, who greeted the crown prince with a handshake described by witnesses […]
Author: HC
In a plot twist no one asked for but everyone is somehow invested in, Automattic and WP Engine have escalated their ongoing “Who Actually Owns the WordPress Feelings™” lawsuit into what experts are calling “the most dramatic fight between two companies whose logos are literally just letters.” According to a new counterclaim, Automattic alleges that […]
GURNEE, IL — In what epidemiologists are now calling “the most ambitious crossover event between bronchitis and workplace culture,” the receptionist who began coughing three weeks ago is STILL at it — with the stamina of a Victorian chimney sweep powered entirely by spite and the communal Keurig. Employees report that the cough has evolved […]
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a stunning about-face that left even his most loyal followers blinking through red-capped whiplash, former President Donald Trump announced late Sunday that House Republicans should vote to release the long-sought Jeffrey Epstein files — despite having previously called the idea “a Deep State Democrat hoax designed to make billionaires look suspicious.” […]
OTTAWA – In an unprecedented health mea culpa, officials from the Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC) held a tongue-in-cheek press conference Monday to formally apologize to the measles virus for “rudely keeping it out of the country” for nearly 25 years. Canada’s health agency confirmed it has lost its measles elimination status after an […]
In a stunning new cultural report released this morning, historians confirmed what every Target aisle has been whispering for years: pumpkin spice is no longer a flavor. It’s now a sovereign nation. What began centuries ago as a violent global scramble for nutmeg and cinnamon has evolved into something far more dangerous: a $500 million-a-year […]
WASHINGTON (The OnYawn Post) — In a stunning announcement sure to rattle mahogany conference rooms from Lockheed to Raytheon, U.S. Army Secretary Dan Driscoll accused defense contractors of what he called “high-level artisanal grifting,” after discovering the Pentagon had been paying designer prices for garage-sale gear. Speaking to reporters while clutching a $15 plastic knob […]
“Start with Bill Clinton, then Larry Summers, maybe my reflection last — if necessary.” PALM BEACH, FL — In a bold attempt to head off growing bipartisan support for the full release of Jeffrey Epstein’s files, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social Friday to announce a sweeping new initiative: an investigation into “everyone […]
SULFUR CAVE, ALBANIA–GREECE BORDER — In what scientists are calling “an evolutionary miracle” and what everyone else is calling “absolutely not, burn it,” researchers have discovered a 1,140-square-foot spider web housing an estimated 110,000 spiders, all peacefully cohabiting like the world’s hairiest condo association. The massive colony — essentially the cave version of a high-rise […]
GURNEE, IL — In a development shocking absolutely no one except the CDC, the same receptionist who spent last week acoustically pepper-spraying the entire office with coughs has triumphantly returned — still coughing with the consistency and determination of a diesel engine that never learned how to idle. Witnesses confirm she strolled back into the […]
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