WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking White House initiative clearly inspired by the customer-rewards model of Subway punch cards, President Donald Trump has pardoned Binance founder Changpeng Zhao after what aides described as a “long and painful vetting process consisting of one phone call and a very beautiful wire transfer.” Press secretary Karoline Leavitt praised the […]
Author: HC
SPRINGFIELD, IL — After accidentally admitting in 2020 that it spent eight years buying political affection the old-fashioned way (with briefcases full of friends-and-family “consulting jobs”), ComEd has proudly announced it has fully transitioned to a healthier, modern-day corporate romance model known as “regulation-lite, prices-max.” Under the agreement, ComEd pays a one-time emotional support fine […]
HUNTLEY, IL — Productivity at a local office has plummeted after “The Fate of Ophelia” mysteriously became the only song played in the building, looping with the emotional persistence of a Victorian ghost who failed her freshman poetry class. What began as “background music” has now entered its third fiscal quarter. Workers report the psychological […]
HUNTLEY, IL — In a bold stand against progress, convenience, and the horrors of young people visiting on purpose, Village of Huntley officials have officially rejected a stop on the upcoming Chicago-to-Rockford Metra line. “We just can’t risk outsiders having a reason to get off the train here,” said one proud resident while polishing his […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “a bold new era of criminal justice outsourcing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio reportedly agreed to trade away federal informants like expired Pokémon cards in exchange for VIP access to El Salvador’s internationally-renowned Torture Spa & Resort, also known as CECOT — the world’s only prison marketed […]
Tesla has once again delivered on its promise of “up to 340 miles of range”, according to testing performed in a controlled environment:• 47 degrees• downhill• tailwind supplied by God• speed: 19mph• radio off• passengers: 0• hope: maximum However, unconfirmed sources report a slight reduction in range when driven like an actual car on an […]
In a stunning development, a mild-mannered grandparent from Boca Raton briefly opened a Vanguard account and was instantly swarmed by 19-year-olds yelling “JUST DUMP IT ALL INTO VTI BRO 🚀🚀🚀” before he even finished typing his password. Analysts report he was later found muttering, “…I just wanted to not die hungry,” while being pelted with […]
SILICON VALLEY—In a bold move to reassure everyone who’s ever forgotten to renew their domain, WordPress.com has unveiled its “100-Year Plan”—a hosting package designed to keep your blog alive well after your family, your business, and possibly civilization itself are gone. The initiative attracted early adopters like Net Literacy, a nonprofit hoping its online curriculum […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development no one could have possibly foreseen, the U.S. government issued a sternly worded paragraph today condemning the Chinese Communist Party for… acting like the Chinese Communist Party. The statement came after China detained several leaders of an unregistered Christian “house church,” including Pastor Mingri “Ezra” Jin. The U.S. responded […]
CHICAGO — Local office legend and part-time human Petri dish, Dave from Accounting, arrived to work Monday sporting what witnesses described as “a fully sentient stye” pulsating from his left eyelid. Coworkers immediately noticed the swelling — described by one HR representative as “half medical issue, half personality trait” — yet Dave insisted on powering […]
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